HUMOUR

CONFESSIONALS: The Housing Crisis in Vancouver is Ruining my Sex Life

It’s a little after midnight. I’ve lost count of how many drinks I’ve had at this club, and I keep making too-intimate eye contact with semi-coherent, sweaty guys on the dance floor who can’t dance.

There’s one guy in particular who’s been on me the entire night. The guy in question, who has not-so-subtly been trying to pipe, grabs my waist from behind and sways me to a song I swear hasn’t changed in hours — and, you know, maybe I’m feeling something here . . . particularly against my lower back.

Pets Unionize, Annoyed with Owners using them as Compensation for a Lack of Online Personality

Vancouver, BC — Following an influx of complaints from household pets regarding inaccurate quoting for captions on Instagram, zero compensation for modelling, and providing non-consensual emotional support, these animals are biting back against their owners who use pet-focused Instagram accounts for validation.

From dogs being tired of being called “floofs” and “pupperinos” to free-roaming animals like raccoons that have online followings for some reason, animals around the digital Insta-globe have united in one loud bark/chirp/dolphin noise to say: “Enough is enough.”

Top Ten Things that Probably made me Gay

1. “Everytime We Touch” by Cascada

When middle school me heard this Eurotrash 2000s staple for the first time, something awakened. Little did I know that something would grow and manifest into a desire to bump butts to this song at any gay club I could get into several years later. Truthfully, the only thing gayer than this song is bottoming, but I find listening to this song a lot less painful and it requires less crying (depending on the context.) Besides the song itself, the music video really unleashed the gay in me. With singer Natalie Horler’s choppy highlights and scene-stealing choreography in the middle of a library, Cascada solidified the gay mantra: go through some questionable hair choices, but always pull focus.

Meet the Hero who Ascended to Godhood after lasting Halfway through No Nut November

Walking on the moon. Winning consecutive Super Bowls. Letting someone else speak without interrupting. Throughout history, man has made the impossible possible time and time again. But for Ram McCaulkener, the moment of law-defying climax arrived on November 15 — the midway mark of No Nut November.

‘Tis the Season to Hail Mariah

For most, November is just another ordinary month, because their lives are meaningless and boring. For some, it’s the month to celebrate the first reported instance of white privilege. But one thing the world can agree on is that November has a very special meaning. Citizens all over the globe dedicate this month, start to finish, to informing the world of their only somewhat-interesting personality trait: their love for Christmas.

I tried Celibacy for a Week

I’ll admit, I do enjoy leaning into the sex stuff a bit. Is it because I was sexually repressed and closeted as an adolescent and thus have gone/still go overboard with compensating for lost sexual experiences? Perhaps. Do I admit I have a bit of a problem? Maybe.

Then the perfect challenge arose — a co-worker saying to me, “You really can’t go a day without doing or saying something sexual, can you?”